Beautiful Nightmare by Samantha Soriano
She found herself somewhere dark and mysterious. Where am I? She said comforted by the darkness. You deserve to be here after what you’ve done. It’s better like this, I can’t get hurt and I can’t hurt them, she thought to herself.
The dark place starts changing into a blue sky above her. The ground becomes itchy grass. A lake forms in the distance. She looks to her right and sees a wooden sign with a name scribed on it. Westerburg Creek Lake Park...why am i back in Florida?She thinks as she slowly looked around, she noticed the red table that contrasts the green grass. She is drawn to it. As she walks closer, she sees a small, delicate woman sitting at the table. The woman was wearing a flowy yellow dress with white heels. The girl gets hit with a sensation that she’d forgotten about. Warmth. The beautiful feeling of something so pure, left her bewildered. .The women seems to chuckled at the sight of the confused girl. As the woman started to come into focus, enough for the girl to notice the woman's doe eyes and plump, red lips, she noticed the sunflower and rose the women held in her right hand. The woman stands up from the table. The girl recognizes the lady.
“MOM!” the girl yells as she sprints towards the woman.
As she gets closer, she notices a shadowy figure appears behind her mom. The figure raises its right hand. Suddenly, her mom begins to bleed from her chest as she falls to the floor. As the anonymous figure changes into fog, she realizes her feet aren't moving her forward anymore. As she comes to this realization, she sees the gray fog had begun to dissipate, only its not disappearing, but pulling her back away from her mom. The only person that has ever made her feel something beautiful is within arms reach. Yet, with all her might, she reached out her right hand, hoping to touch her mom one last time. But it's all in vain.
Tears are streaming down her face, her mouth trying to form anything she can say in her final plea to her mom. As she’s being pulled away, she sees a man rush towards her mom. He has shoulder length,wavy, brown hair. His face was defined by his sharp eyebrows and cheekbones. He kneels on the ground, and wraps his arms around her mom’s waist and held her for a couple of seconds.The man wearing a now blood-soaked gray suit lets go of her mom, and looks towards the girl.The girl recognizes the man and whispers in his direction, hoping it was him.
“Dad?”
With a somber expression and aggravated voice, the man's eyes began to tear up while looking at her, and shouts with pain in his voice
“What have you done?”.
As everything becomes dark she uses all her strength to scream for the last time
”Mom!Dad!No!”before succumbing to the darkness.
She falls through the darkness, and lands on the floor. She’s back in her bedroom and she’s awake. It’s dark, the moon shining in, letting everything she felt sink in and comfort her, she thinks to herself, this is the only place I can see her. Yet the pain remains.
When she looks across the room, she sees her dark reflection in the mirror. I belong in the dark after what I’ve done.. She thinks as she grabs a pillow from the floor and throws it at the mirror. The mirror falls and shatters.
“Great!...I’ll clean it up later”She said in a sarcastic tone.
She quickly gets up and grabs her phone from its charger and turns it on. She sees it’s 3:30am on December 21st. I can't believe I woke up at 3,ugh...why? She thinks, annoyed with her body’s inability to sleep when she wants it to. Her stomach growls and she realizes she hasn’t eaten since 2pm the day before. She puts on her yellow robe and sticks the phone inside the pocket. As she's walking through the dark hall, she sees a faint light shining from underneath her father’s bedroom door. He's back? She thinks as she knocks on the door. She waits a minute, but no answer. She tries the knob and to her surprise it’s unlocked. She opens the door and she looks across the room to see that the bed is made and unslept in, hmm… I guess the cleaning lady left the light on...
She walks across the room to the bathroom to turn off the light. As she reaches the light switch, she sees her reflection in the full length mirror, her features illuminated by the light. Her mom’s eyes are looking back at her, yet her own are missing the sparkle of her mother’s light. She sees her shoulder-length wavy brown hair that requires a good brushing. She turns off the light. She walks out of the room and closes the door. As she walks down the stairs, her thoughts start to wonder, I knew I shouldn't have expected him home, especially today.
She gets to the kitchen and picks out her favorite cereal, Fruity Pebbles, grabs a bowl and goes to open the fridge. As she opens the fridge to get milk, she notices the cheesecake her father left her. Lemon Meringue. Not her favorite since she was 9. On top of the container there is a neatly folded note, it says
“I hope you enjoy this, I remembered it was your favorite…. I’ll be home on the 22rd- Dad.”
It’s sweet he remembered...but I don’t like it anymore... She thinks while taking it out of the fridge and setting it down on the island. She gets a fork from the drawer and sits down to eat it. She takes a bite and immediately rejects it, I’m sorry dad...I can’t eat this. As she gets up to throw the cheesecake away, she hears the garage door opening, Who’s opening the door? She thinks to herself startled. She leaves the cake on the counter, grabs a knife from the knife block and hides behind the island. I can’t let this happen again, she thinks as the mudroom door opens.
In walks a tall thin man, with short gray hair in a gray business suit with black tie with red and yellow spots, carrying his old, brown and slightly ripped up suitcase. He turns on the kitchen light and she recognizes him. She sheepishly comes out from behind the counter.
“Father, you're back...Why so early?”She said.
He’s startled. “ Oh...uh ...yeah, the last day of meetings were cancelled as people wanted to go back home for the holidays early, so I caught an earlier flight. Why are you awake so early? He asked putting down his suitcase.
“...couldn’t sleep, was getting a snack,” she said as she looked at the cheesecake. Her father smiles awkwardly and said excitedly, “I thought of you when I saw it, remember how you used to love this cake.”
“I appreciate it, really... but I kinda grew out of this flavor” She says timidly as to not offend her father.
“Oh, sorry... I didn’t realize you didn’t like it anymore…” He said sadly.
There’s a moment of silence.
“So, I...um... think I’m gonna go to my room, good night” She says .
“Oh... good night. You need sleep, it’s almost 4,” He says affirmatively.
As she’s walking towards the stairs, he thinks, I can’t be doing this anymore, I have to talk to her. He takes a deep breath and calls out, “Mandalyn, can you come back here for a bit? I want to talk to you about something.”
“I'll wash the dishes when i wake up”She says loudly.
“No...it’s about... today…” He says tentatively.
She stops in front of the staircase.
“Oh...uh ok?”She says nervously as she walks into the kitchen.
She sits at the island as her father is across from her putting the dishes in the sink.
“So..uh..how you been?”He said apprehensively.
“I’ve been fine I guess”She says with a shrug.
“...How are your grades...?”
“All A’s and B’s…”
“That’s good,Great!”He says emphatically. Another awkward moment of silence.
To break the silence and move from the conversation, Mandalyn slowly gets up from the island, creaking the chair and saying in a timid voice,
“...so, I’m going to bed, we can talk later.”
As she starts walking out, her father is struck by the difficulty of this conversation, No! This is your one chance, he thinks as he instinctively grabs Mandalyn’s wrist.
“No!...I mean...just give me a couple of seconds, I swear, then you can go to sleep, just give me a second, please” He says pleading. Mandalyn looks at his eyes, sees he’s serious. She sighs.
“Ok” She sits back down as her father lets go of her wrist.
As she settles and sits down, he clears his throat.
“Im...sorry”He says sincerely, surprising Mandalyn at his declaration.
“Sorry?Sorry for what? Mandalyn says quietly.
“I'm sorry that I haven't taken care of you..sorry it took years for me to realize that”
She interjects“What do you mean?You've always taken care of me.Im-”
Mandalyn is abruptly cut off by her dad’s truth.
“Yeah, with money...but nothing else…”
He looks down in shame at the shiny counter his money has bought. He takes a deep breath. She places her hand on his tightened shoulder, takes a deep breath, starts saying what she has been holding for so long.
“You’re sorry? I’m the one that’s sorry...We wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for me ...We wouldn't be feeling like this if it wasn't for me...We wouldn't be stuck in the same place for 8 years if it wasn't for me...”
Her voice cracks and mutters.
”Mom would be here sitting here if it wasn't for me...”
She lets go of her father as he lifts his head, shocked that his daughter said that about herself.
“What?Why would you say that?” He asked fearfully.
“Because it’s true”
“No,its not”he says indignantly.
“Yes it is” she says mournfully
Tears start to form, as she remembers her dreadful memories.
“It’s my fault that 8 freaking years ago we went to the park on that day because I wouldn't stop insisting, even though she was exhausted from work...It’s my fault I forced her to sit at the picnic table while i went picking for flowers because I wanted to make a crown out of them and surprise her.”
Her heart finally breaks. Her eyes well up as she says her last thought.
”It’s my fault that she was shot...straight through the heart… It’s my fault”
She begins crying, something she hadn’t let herself do in a long time, letting everything out at once, letting everything she has buried over the past 8 years resurface and intensify.
Her father, stunned at this revelation , grabs her and hugs her, a long embrace they both seemed to have been waiting for years.
Even though he doesn't know what to say, he gathers himself, clears his throat and says,
“I don't know what happened on that day, but it definitely wasn't your fault. When the massacre started you hid in the bushes and he didn’t see you, that's what saved you.”
“How do you know?” She asked
“ The police said they found you hiding in the bushes. That’s what you needed to do... I’m proud of you” He said bittersweetly. “Nothing is your fault”
Silence.
She can see those sleepless nights filled with despair and hatred towards herself slowly dissipated. All she needs to do is hug her father back and accept this new beginning she's been longing for.
But she can’t.
Instead, she fights her father’s hold on her, tears falling on his shirt. Her father, alarmed at how she's reacting, lets her go, and she runs up the stairs to her room.
“Mandalyn!” is all her father calls out, leaving him at the kitchen.
Mandalyn makes it to her room, moonlight streaming in through the windows, and she shuts the door. She takes a step and gets a sharp pain in her foot. She yelps, “ow!” She lifts it up and there's a small piece of glass sticking out, Just great...she thinks as she gets a bandage from her top drawer on her dresser.
Knock on door. “You okay in there?” Her dad says from behind the door.
“Yeah, fine. Just picking up my mirror since it fell” She says assuredly.
“Ok, if you’re sure...good night,” he says apprehensively and walks away. You really blew it,didn't you?...Couldn't even tell her how much I love her...She waits until she hears him close his door and walks out to get a broom from the mudroom.
She’s back in her room, turns on the light and gets started. She got most of it except for the frame that fell behind the dresser. As she moves the dresser to get to the mirror frame, she finds something unexpected, an unopened present.
She grabs it out and wipes the dust off. The perfectly wrapped present, with its red wrapping and gold bow could only be from one person, her mother. Crap, I forgot I put this here when we moved she nervously as she moves across the room. Mandalyn finds a clean spot and settles onto the floor. The note is smudged from age but legible. She reads it out loud.
“ From: Mom, Love you...!”Mandalyn pauses.
“P.S your father picked the wrapping, so tell him thanks for ‘effort’ and give him a big hug,...”She smiles.
They always did everything together...She savors the feeling she has missed. She tears up a bit. She starts opening the present. It’s a painting of a rose and sunflower.
“Love”was on the rose and “loyalty”on the sunflower, and below was a phrase written smaller in the same cursive font.
“Mandalyn….worthy of being loved...worthy of loyalty...no matter what...love...”
Her voice broke.
“You named me Mandalyn, but i never knew why.....”
She sighs.
“Im sorry...mom”
She sits with the painting for hours, thinking about her parents, thinking about the guilt she’s been in for so long. I can let him in, I won’t hurt him. The sun is starting to rise.
She places the painting on the dresser and gets into bed. As she lays there, her constant companion, guilt, returns. I can’t hurt them and they can’t hurt me, as she drifts off to sleep.
She’s in darkness again. She sees the delicate woman again, her mom, in the same yellow dress, with the same comforting smile the girl would never see again. The girl moves towards her mom, hoping that this time it might be different and she will be able to reach her. As she gets closer she sees the blood coming out of her mom’s chest and she falls to the ground. The girl tries in vain to reach her, and she is pulled back from her and is dropped back into her bed. The sun beams into the room. She lays there and realizes that even though her nightmares might never go away, in a twisted way, she doesn't want them to go away. It’s the only time she’s able to see her mom.
Mandalyn is resigned to her fate, and she’s ok with it.
The dark place starts changing into a blue sky above her. The ground becomes itchy grass. A lake forms in the distance. She looks to her right and sees a wooden sign with a name scribed on it. Westerburg Creek Lake Park...why am i back in Florida?She thinks as she slowly looked around, she noticed the red table that contrasts the green grass. She is drawn to it. As she walks closer, she sees a small, delicate woman sitting at the table. The woman was wearing a flowy yellow dress with white heels. The girl gets hit with a sensation that she’d forgotten about. Warmth. The beautiful feeling of something so pure, left her bewildered. .The women seems to chuckled at the sight of the confused girl. As the woman started to come into focus, enough for the girl to notice the woman's doe eyes and plump, red lips, she noticed the sunflower and rose the women held in her right hand. The woman stands up from the table. The girl recognizes the lady.
“MOM!” the girl yells as she sprints towards the woman.
As she gets closer, she notices a shadowy figure appears behind her mom. The figure raises its right hand. Suddenly, her mom begins to bleed from her chest as she falls to the floor. As the anonymous figure changes into fog, she realizes her feet aren't moving her forward anymore. As she comes to this realization, she sees the gray fog had begun to dissipate, only its not disappearing, but pulling her back away from her mom. The only person that has ever made her feel something beautiful is within arms reach. Yet, with all her might, she reached out her right hand, hoping to touch her mom one last time. But it's all in vain.
Tears are streaming down her face, her mouth trying to form anything she can say in her final plea to her mom. As she’s being pulled away, she sees a man rush towards her mom. He has shoulder length,wavy, brown hair. His face was defined by his sharp eyebrows and cheekbones. He kneels on the ground, and wraps his arms around her mom’s waist and held her for a couple of seconds.The man wearing a now blood-soaked gray suit lets go of her mom, and looks towards the girl.The girl recognizes the man and whispers in his direction, hoping it was him.
“Dad?”
With a somber expression and aggravated voice, the man's eyes began to tear up while looking at her, and shouts with pain in his voice
“What have you done?”.
As everything becomes dark she uses all her strength to scream for the last time
”Mom!Dad!No!”before succumbing to the darkness.
She falls through the darkness, and lands on the floor. She’s back in her bedroom and she’s awake. It’s dark, the moon shining in, letting everything she felt sink in and comfort her, she thinks to herself, this is the only place I can see her. Yet the pain remains.
When she looks across the room, she sees her dark reflection in the mirror. I belong in the dark after what I’ve done.. She thinks as she grabs a pillow from the floor and throws it at the mirror. The mirror falls and shatters.
“Great!...I’ll clean it up later”She said in a sarcastic tone.
She quickly gets up and grabs her phone from its charger and turns it on. She sees it’s 3:30am on December 21st. I can't believe I woke up at 3,ugh...why? She thinks, annoyed with her body’s inability to sleep when she wants it to. Her stomach growls and she realizes she hasn’t eaten since 2pm the day before. She puts on her yellow robe and sticks the phone inside the pocket. As she's walking through the dark hall, she sees a faint light shining from underneath her father’s bedroom door. He's back? She thinks as she knocks on the door. She waits a minute, but no answer. She tries the knob and to her surprise it’s unlocked. She opens the door and she looks across the room to see that the bed is made and unslept in, hmm… I guess the cleaning lady left the light on...
She walks across the room to the bathroom to turn off the light. As she reaches the light switch, she sees her reflection in the full length mirror, her features illuminated by the light. Her mom’s eyes are looking back at her, yet her own are missing the sparkle of her mother’s light. She sees her shoulder-length wavy brown hair that requires a good brushing. She turns off the light. She walks out of the room and closes the door. As she walks down the stairs, her thoughts start to wonder, I knew I shouldn't have expected him home, especially today.
She gets to the kitchen and picks out her favorite cereal, Fruity Pebbles, grabs a bowl and goes to open the fridge. As she opens the fridge to get milk, she notices the cheesecake her father left her. Lemon Meringue. Not her favorite since she was 9. On top of the container there is a neatly folded note, it says
“I hope you enjoy this, I remembered it was your favorite…. I’ll be home on the 22rd- Dad.”
It’s sweet he remembered...but I don’t like it anymore... She thinks while taking it out of the fridge and setting it down on the island. She gets a fork from the drawer and sits down to eat it. She takes a bite and immediately rejects it, I’m sorry dad...I can’t eat this. As she gets up to throw the cheesecake away, she hears the garage door opening, Who’s opening the door? She thinks to herself startled. She leaves the cake on the counter, grabs a knife from the knife block and hides behind the island. I can’t let this happen again, she thinks as the mudroom door opens.
In walks a tall thin man, with short gray hair in a gray business suit with black tie with red and yellow spots, carrying his old, brown and slightly ripped up suitcase. He turns on the kitchen light and she recognizes him. She sheepishly comes out from behind the counter.
“Father, you're back...Why so early?”She said.
He’s startled. “ Oh...uh ...yeah, the last day of meetings were cancelled as people wanted to go back home for the holidays early, so I caught an earlier flight. Why are you awake so early? He asked putting down his suitcase.
“...couldn’t sleep, was getting a snack,” she said as she looked at the cheesecake. Her father smiles awkwardly and said excitedly, “I thought of you when I saw it, remember how you used to love this cake.”
“I appreciate it, really... but I kinda grew out of this flavor” She says timidly as to not offend her father.
“Oh, sorry... I didn’t realize you didn’t like it anymore…” He said sadly.
There’s a moment of silence.
“So, I...um... think I’m gonna go to my room, good night” She says .
“Oh... good night. You need sleep, it’s almost 4,” He says affirmatively.
As she’s walking towards the stairs, he thinks, I can’t be doing this anymore, I have to talk to her. He takes a deep breath and calls out, “Mandalyn, can you come back here for a bit? I want to talk to you about something.”
“I'll wash the dishes when i wake up”She says loudly.
“No...it’s about... today…” He says tentatively.
She stops in front of the staircase.
“Oh...uh ok?”She says nervously as she walks into the kitchen.
She sits at the island as her father is across from her putting the dishes in the sink.
“So..uh..how you been?”He said apprehensively.
“I’ve been fine I guess”She says with a shrug.
“...How are your grades...?”
“All A’s and B’s…”
“That’s good,Great!”He says emphatically. Another awkward moment of silence.
To break the silence and move from the conversation, Mandalyn slowly gets up from the island, creaking the chair and saying in a timid voice,
“...so, I’m going to bed, we can talk later.”
As she starts walking out, her father is struck by the difficulty of this conversation, No! This is your one chance, he thinks as he instinctively grabs Mandalyn’s wrist.
“No!...I mean...just give me a couple of seconds, I swear, then you can go to sleep, just give me a second, please” He says pleading. Mandalyn looks at his eyes, sees he’s serious. She sighs.
“Ok” She sits back down as her father lets go of her wrist.
As she settles and sits down, he clears his throat.
“Im...sorry”He says sincerely, surprising Mandalyn at his declaration.
“Sorry?Sorry for what? Mandalyn says quietly.
“I'm sorry that I haven't taken care of you..sorry it took years for me to realize that”
She interjects“What do you mean?You've always taken care of me.Im-”
Mandalyn is abruptly cut off by her dad’s truth.
“Yeah, with money...but nothing else…”
He looks down in shame at the shiny counter his money has bought. He takes a deep breath. She places her hand on his tightened shoulder, takes a deep breath, starts saying what she has been holding for so long.
“You’re sorry? I’m the one that’s sorry...We wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for me ...We wouldn't be feeling like this if it wasn't for me...We wouldn't be stuck in the same place for 8 years if it wasn't for me...”
Her voice cracks and mutters.
”Mom would be here sitting here if it wasn't for me...”
She lets go of her father as he lifts his head, shocked that his daughter said that about herself.
“What?Why would you say that?” He asked fearfully.
“Because it’s true”
“No,its not”he says indignantly.
“Yes it is” she says mournfully
Tears start to form, as she remembers her dreadful memories.
“It’s my fault that 8 freaking years ago we went to the park on that day because I wouldn't stop insisting, even though she was exhausted from work...It’s my fault I forced her to sit at the picnic table while i went picking for flowers because I wanted to make a crown out of them and surprise her.”
Her heart finally breaks. Her eyes well up as she says her last thought.
”It’s my fault that she was shot...straight through the heart… It’s my fault”
She begins crying, something she hadn’t let herself do in a long time, letting everything out at once, letting everything she has buried over the past 8 years resurface and intensify.
Her father, stunned at this revelation , grabs her and hugs her, a long embrace they both seemed to have been waiting for years.
Even though he doesn't know what to say, he gathers himself, clears his throat and says,
“I don't know what happened on that day, but it definitely wasn't your fault. When the massacre started you hid in the bushes and he didn’t see you, that's what saved you.”
“How do you know?” She asked
“ The police said they found you hiding in the bushes. That’s what you needed to do... I’m proud of you” He said bittersweetly. “Nothing is your fault”
Silence.
She can see those sleepless nights filled with despair and hatred towards herself slowly dissipated. All she needs to do is hug her father back and accept this new beginning she's been longing for.
But she can’t.
Instead, she fights her father’s hold on her, tears falling on his shirt. Her father, alarmed at how she's reacting, lets her go, and she runs up the stairs to her room.
“Mandalyn!” is all her father calls out, leaving him at the kitchen.
Mandalyn makes it to her room, moonlight streaming in through the windows, and she shuts the door. She takes a step and gets a sharp pain in her foot. She yelps, “ow!” She lifts it up and there's a small piece of glass sticking out, Just great...she thinks as she gets a bandage from her top drawer on her dresser.
Knock on door. “You okay in there?” Her dad says from behind the door.
“Yeah, fine. Just picking up my mirror since it fell” She says assuredly.
“Ok, if you’re sure...good night,” he says apprehensively and walks away. You really blew it,didn't you?...Couldn't even tell her how much I love her...She waits until she hears him close his door and walks out to get a broom from the mudroom.
She’s back in her room, turns on the light and gets started. She got most of it except for the frame that fell behind the dresser. As she moves the dresser to get to the mirror frame, she finds something unexpected, an unopened present.
She grabs it out and wipes the dust off. The perfectly wrapped present, with its red wrapping and gold bow could only be from one person, her mother. Crap, I forgot I put this here when we moved she nervously as she moves across the room. Mandalyn finds a clean spot and settles onto the floor. The note is smudged from age but legible. She reads it out loud.
“ From: Mom, Love you...!”Mandalyn pauses.
“P.S your father picked the wrapping, so tell him thanks for ‘effort’ and give him a big hug,...”She smiles.
They always did everything together...She savors the feeling she has missed. She tears up a bit. She starts opening the present. It’s a painting of a rose and sunflower.
“Love”was on the rose and “loyalty”on the sunflower, and below was a phrase written smaller in the same cursive font.
“Mandalyn….worthy of being loved...worthy of loyalty...no matter what...love...”
Her voice broke.
“You named me Mandalyn, but i never knew why.....”
She sighs.
“Im sorry...mom”
She sits with the painting for hours, thinking about her parents, thinking about the guilt she’s been in for so long. I can let him in, I won’t hurt him. The sun is starting to rise.
She places the painting on the dresser and gets into bed. As she lays there, her constant companion, guilt, returns. I can’t hurt them and they can’t hurt me, as she drifts off to sleep.
She’s in darkness again. She sees the delicate woman again, her mom, in the same yellow dress, with the same comforting smile the girl would never see again. The girl moves towards her mom, hoping that this time it might be different and she will be able to reach her. As she gets closer she sees the blood coming out of her mom’s chest and she falls to the ground. The girl tries in vain to reach her, and she is pulled back from her and is dropped back into her bed. The sun beams into the room. She lays there and realizes that even though her nightmares might never go away, in a twisted way, she doesn't want them to go away. It’s the only time she’s able to see her mom.
Mandalyn is resigned to her fate, and she’s ok with it.